There is basically a moral fire sale going on around Tiger Woods these days. Every woman the All-World golfer has come around (and apparently there have been many) in the last three years is coming out of the woodwork to cash in on any and all the details of how he courted them, won them over, or, um, in some cases snuck them over to Australia for a kangaroo bop. We have been shocked by pictures of the once Teflon superstar in seedy Las Vegas nightclubs and stupefied by his dirty text messages that have inspired some remarkable new jargon (“blasian?).
However, although his 911 calls, text messages, e-mails and even his erotic dreams have made their way to us via Highway TMZ, we are VERY surprised that we don’t have any details on what Tiger was listening to when he committed his “transgressions.” What was the soundtrack to this three year romp? We try to guess below, at what the Tiger Playlist would consist of:
1) O.P.P. – Naughty By Nature
Is Tiger down with O.P.P.? Um, yep.
2) Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol
This would be dedicated to Elin, who many suspect was doing this with, um, a golf club Thanksgiving night.
3) I Get Around – 2Pac
MLB has adopted theme songs for players when they step into the batter’s box before their at bats. If the PGA follows suit, this is a mortal lock for Tiger’s intro music.
4) Wear You Out – TV On the Radio
Would be surprised if Tiger’s musical tastes trended this “indie”, but apparently this phrase is used so frequently in Tiger’s text messages it now shows up via iTap.
5) Viva Las Vegas – Elvis Presley
Is there anything funnier than seeing the pictures of Tiger in these seedy nightclubs with his Nike polo shirts on? How’s this for product placement? Bet they are REALLY glad he was so committed to wearing their brand at all times.
6) 1, 2, 3, 4 – Plain White T’s
Uh, keep going guys. This is now being referred to as Tiger’s “harem.”
7) Undercover of the Night – Rolling Stones
Apparently Tiger can’t be the best man at his childhood friend’s wedding this month because his buddy helped sneak his “mistress du jour” into Australia for a rendezvous. I would love to see what Elin did to THAT wedding gift she picked out for Tiger.
Sean Paul – Ever Blazin’
Don’t you hate it when you think a song says one thing and it turns out to be something totally different? Tiger thought this was “Ever Blasian.” “Uh, it’s not?” “Really?”
9) California Girls – David Lee Roth
“Well East coast girls are hip/I really dig those styles they wear/And the Southern girls with the way they talk/They knock me out when I’m down there/The Mid-West farmer’s daughters really make you feel alright/And the Northern girls with the way they kiss/They keep their boyfriends warm at night. “Oh man I love that part.”
10) Ne-Yo – It’s Over
We don’t know what is and isn’t over. Reports today are that Tiger would give up golf to keep his family together. I’ll believe it when I see it.
11) Promise of a New Day – Paula Abdul
To press agent: “Okay. So I need to promise to Elin on Oprah that I will never do this again. Check. Do you think the public will believe that? Wait a minute, is Paula single? What’s she doing now?”
12) I’ll Be Your Man – The Black Keys
What 100% of single men are singing today to Elin. (Um, if she leaves Tiger will she be named the Most Eligible Single Woman of All Time? If there is ANY way to qualify this, wouldn’t it have to be her?) Oh wait this is supposed to be Tiger’s playlist.
13) Dan Bern – Tiger Woods
Sorry, Dan. Not today. “Don’t want to be like Tiger Woods” today. Although most red blooded men would love to have had a three month tear like he had on the back nine of ’09, but preferably BEFORE the wife and small children.